My Archives: December 2008
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Fuck...life is crazy right now. It's four o'clock in the morning right now and I am manic off my rocker. I can't sleep. The sheets on the bed keep getting messed up and I get up every five minutes to straighten them like an OCD freak. Finally I just got up for good, knowing it would probably be better to get a blog entry out of this rather than a bunch of tossing and turning...and cursing.
So I can't fall asleep because a) my heart rate is way up and my mind is literally racing through so many thoughts, b) I have some kind of rash on the side of my face that I can't stop scratching, and c) EVERYTHING pisses me off. The sheets on the bed, the fucking dog who just jumped on the bed to take my spot next to Matt (God I HATE that dog), the stupid cats, two of which are in heat and won't stop yowling at each other, this stupid rash on the left side of my face, just below my ear, the fact that my car's uninsured, this stupid Usher song that's playing on Matt's iTunes shuffle play list, the fact that the rest of the world can sleep peacefully and I can't, the fact that Scott told me today that my medication isn't working because I'm so impatient, that I need to take more. THIS FROM THE GUY WHO PUNCHES HOLES IN WALLS AND BREAKS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WHEN HE'S ANGRY!!!! And I'm the one who needs to up my medication. Fuck you all, you don't know me.
And, more than that, fuck Penn State. The more I think about that place, the angrier I get, so angry I start to shake all over. Since high school, I have literally had every last drop of passion, motivation, and determination for becoming a teacher and being good at it sucked from my body. PENN STATE IS A FUCKING LEECH!!! They took my tuition money and gave me things like my horrible "academic adviser", who basically advised me not to worry about the professional development program even though it was something I really wanted to do, who advised me to take all the wrong classes, putting me an entire semester behind schedule, if not more.
The only thing I feel like doing right now is getting a full time job somewhere, anywhere, nannying, retail, whatever, it doesn't matter, getting a nice, cute little apartment all to myself, working forty hours a week and paying bills. A nice, simple life without the fucking bullshit about GPAs, student teaching, and oh yeah, the PRAXIS exam, which is such crap. The last time I studied for that exam, I got made fun of by Matt's math freak friends because the questions were "too easy."
I can't even look forward to being back in our apartment because, first of all I know Matt's friend who lives with us hates me, and second I can't stand being there because it's always a wreck and I can't keep up with it!!! This is why I'd rather just have my own place so I can be on my own for a while and relaaaaax. But it's hard to relax when I have to go to my stupid, pointless classes when I no longer care whether or not I graduate...oh well...
NOT TO MENTION...I'm extremely fat because I can't stop eating, my teeth are rotten because I'm lazy and never feel like brushing them, I can't control my impulses anymore, I can't embrace Matt happily anymore in a way that is consistent because I'm fucking CRAZY and I know it. I HATE HATE HATE being this way. I NEED HELP PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!! I wish I could curl into a ball and DISAPPEAR!!!! It's like that bunper sticker, you know? "Some days all I want to be is a missing person."
Somebody mug me or rape me so I really have something to cry about. I know this is all in my head. It's the mania talking. This monster can't be me. It can't be of this world. But it is. And what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? Crazy people are supposed to be the kind of people that kidnap, steal, and murder. 21-year old college girls who babysit and write short stories are not supposed to be crazy!
Maybe I'll hit the delete button so this entry will never be posted...nope...oh well.......
Posted by Katie @ 04:28 AM EST [Link]
So why is this person still stalking / bothering me on Myspace? Please stop freaking me out, and leave me alone!!!
Posted by Katie @ 01:00 AM EST [Link]
Monday, December 29, 2008
It's been months since I've been back to babysit for Heather, but I'm here now. I had an awesome day with the kids. When I arrived at 2, Steve and Brenden answered the door together. Brenden was wearing Batman PJs with a little cape that velcroed to the back. I thought it was pretty much the cutest thing I had ever seen a five-year old wear, heh heh. I met up with Mara in the living room. She will be two in February, and she has grown so much. Not only that, but she has longer hair and is talking! We all went upstairs and played this fishing game that Brenden got for Christmas. That kept us occupied for almost an hour and then Heather arrived home from work. She set me up with the routine for that night and then she and Steve left to go to their concert in DC.
The kids and I had a really good time. We played Hi-Ho Cherrio, did the same puzzle, like, 3 times, and went outside for a walk. I stuck Mara in her stroller and Brenden rode his trike. I swear it is the cutest thing watching him in his Transformer beanie, gloves, and coat, peddling his trike down the sidewalk (not to mention he is the cutest little boy EVER!) He was really good too; he has this bad habit of turning around to look at me and talk to me while he's peddling and he'll usually careen into the grass, so I tried to get him out of that habit so he would stop if he needed to say something. He didn't start doing that until the end but I think we got somewhere. :) He is a smart kid once he decides he will listen, like most little kids.
I made them pizza for dinner. Brenden ate his entire mini pizza and almost two glasses of orange juice. Mara hardly touched hers but she drank some milk. Then I put on the movie Wall-E. Well, that lasted about twenty minutes and then it was on and off after that. They were more interested in running around the house trying to get away from me when I tried to tickle them, and we played hide-and-seek a couple times. I was shocked to see that I could teach Mara the rules of the game. Last time I was here, whenever that was, she could never sit still long enough to learn, but the first time I was hiding behind her bedroom door and she came over. I was like, "Crap, there is no way she isn't going to give me away." But I let her come back with me and when Brenden was walking around the house looking for us, I looked down at her. She had put both hands over her face and was holding perfectly still. Not a sound. I love when they get old enough to teach them complex things. It's so much fun!
After that it was bath time. Brenden did pretty good, though when I was downstairs I heard a lot of splashing and thought he had probably dumped all the water out of the tub and onto the floor...but he hadn't. I gave him a cup of chocolate pudding and let him watch Tom and Jerry because he had done such a good job all day, then gave Mara her bath. She's a little more difficult, for some reason she won't sit down when I try to dump water over her head and wash her hair, but she won't try to stop me otherwise. I had to stay with her, obviously, she's not even two yet, and had to bribe her to get out of the tub, telling her I'd give her some milk if she did. When I got her in her diaper and PJ's, it was about 8:30. I had Brenden in his bed with a couple books, his radio playing softly, and by 9 he was asleep. I rocked Mara to sleep downstairs and she was out in less than ten minutes. Must've been all that running around after dinner. I carried her up the stairs, no easy feat there, and I haven't heard from them since.
I love this family so much! I love State College and the families I've met there too, but nothing can compare to the kids here at home. Brenden, Mara, Amelia, Lottie, and Owen, I love you all!
Posted by Katie @ 11:53 PM EST [Link]
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Happy birthday Dadder!!!!!! =D
This week has been crazy but it is also luckily almost over. I am done my classes. I don't have my normal soc class tomorrow because we were given the choice of taking the final on the last day (tomorrow) or on Final Day (Monday) so I chose to take it Monday. All that's really left is my two finals and two short extra credit papers that I have to do by tomorrow afternoon for my astronomy lab class. Other than that I am done. :)
I should be home by the evening of the 20th. I have to work that morning from 8 to 2 but I should be able to be back home by around 5:30 or 6 that day. I will be home until the 8th or 9th of January. I am really psyched for Christmas break!!! :-D
I am still working on my film and trying to get people to do it. I have found a possible director, editor, and an official actress for the role of Sophie Brentworth. Still working to fill the other roles. I'm really excited about this too! I need to go update my film website (http://katiebanana.vox.com) because I haven't had anything to update about since TG break. Better get on that.
Tomorrow night I work from 6:30 to midnight and then Saturday afternoon I have a possible babysitting job set up. We'll see how that goes. I can't wait to see everyone!!!!!
Posted by Katie @ 05:29 PM EST [Link]
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Yes it is really almost 7 AM. Gina and Chris left around 2:45 or so but I never fell asleep. You'd think I'd be tired after working 6:30 to after midnight but no, I am just as awake as ever. Today I have to work on a paper (two actually), do my laundry, and be at work by 3:30 until 9:30. Then tomorrow (Sunday) I have to work from 10:45 to 4:30 and afterwards babysit from 5 to 10. I am happy about that though, more money! I think I will use the money from babysitting to buy Alex her Christmas present and Matt one of his. As I've said before, I've got just about everyone else taken care of. =) I need to make my own little note on Facebook with a list of everyone's names and what I'm getting for them.
Also I am considering a unique Christmas present for my cousin Kimmi. I think I'm going to take the two of us on another Trip to Troy right after the New Year. We've been on two and they are always so much fun. I need to look into it, but I think it is definitely something worth doing. =)
Last but not least, I am trying to set up babysitting for when I go back home. This way I will have money to either give to Matt or to use on the trip. And either way (preferably both) is great. :-)
Posted by Katie @ 06:31 AM EST [Link]
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Between now and December 18th, I have...
2 finals
3 papers
1 project
1 major exam that determines whether or not I get an A =(I'm so stressed!